lessons on love and growing up
I am so scared to hurt him that I allow myself to stay in a situation that feels just ok.
I don't have a poetic way to put this. I don't have a bunch of adjectives in my bag that I can throw out to make it feel pretty.
No, tonight I just have honesty and fear and sadness and guilt. I have that choking feeling in the back of my throat that I am not going to follow through or that I am making a mistake or that I will really hurt him.
My therapist says there are no wrong decisions in matters like this. That I cannot make a mistake. That I will only make a decision and that will be the path my life will travel down.
I am trying to believe her.
My boyfriend is a good man, a really nice, good man. We have been together for three years - living together for three years - and it is easy and comfortable and familiar. It is good. But I have always had this scratch in the back of my soul that maybe there was something fantastic. Maybe there is something that makes my heart beat so fast I can't believe I am still alive. Maybe something that makes me so angry that my cheeks become a brand new shade of red. Maybe there is something more.
These thoughts make me feel selfish and young, naive and idealistic. These thoughts bring on the guilt. These thoughts have been around for three years.
So I have come to the understanding that they are not going away. I have come to the realization that I need to make the change and that it may not be what I imagine; that there is a really good chance that this is as good as it gets. I am so scared of throwing away a good relationship for the idea of a better one, but I am even more afraid of settling and losing passion and all my beautiful dreams.
Its funny. I am really adventurous in matters not of the heart, and yet, I am so cautious when it comes to taking this risk.
And I analyze everything - I really need to stop doing that.
But I have decided that tonight we will have another one of these discussions. He will say he understands, that I am 11 years younger then him, and he knows I need my space and my time to figure things out. And my head and my heart will be confused and I'll cry - like I always do - but I will have a definate action plan and departure date and i will be proud that I have finally stopped dragging my feet and made a decision.
There are no wrong decisions in matters like this.
Comments
Why not look at this another way, from his perspective, say.Would you want to be in his shoes, where your life partner looks at you and only sees comfortable familiarity and your 'goodness?' Don't you both deserve to feel thrilled about each other? Doesn't he deserve for his partner to feel as good about him as he does about her? What if there is another woman out there who would adore him? Why are you keeping him from her, if he's such a great guy? He probably is- he' s just not your great guy. Your great guy is either alone or with some other woman who is thinking about him like you about your current fellow. Life is too long to be in a relationship where the main thing going for it is it's 'safeness'. If you've felt like this for three years, how will you feel after ten? How long will you be able to hide it? What if he's aware of it on some level and is feeling insecure, because what you say is not what you feel. He'll always doubt himself.
And another thought- even if you break up for a while, if you're meant to be together, it will happen anyway. Seize the day, seize your life. ; )
But- that's only one perspective. I'm not you, and I'm not that therapist. From my persective a mediocre relationship is like giving oneself a life sentence in prison.
thanks so much - this is what i know, but keep needing to hear
we had the talk last night - he is so good, he understands - it is just really hard because i care about him so much and he deserves someone who is as crazy about him as he is about her
but you are right - if it is meant to be it will and if it is, then i think a little break will make our relationship that much stronger - i don't want to go on the rest of my life doubting if this was the right fit - i need to know - i need to be brave and sit with my pain, because this is gonna hurt
Yes, it will hurt. But you've already lived through so much and survived. It's interesting that you could live thorugh so many real tough ones, but one like this, which is a very natural, common one, and an important rite of passage is so hard for you, I think the other events in your life have made you a bit resistant to change, because change brings surprises and in your case, surprises have often been bad. Change and shock are inevitable. Learning to get through them makes us strong, independent and whole. Hurt deosn't last. Time heals it.
Good luck, friend.
Oh and E, just to let you know...I have moved my blog to blogspot. I consider you to be a good friend of mine on here and I just wanted to assure you that I'll still be checking in on your blog.
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See you soon.
i'll definitely check your new page - look forward to more great stuff