Scary...a mind is a terrible thing to ....what was I going to say?*

Okay, I have to come clean.  I'm over 50.  I had my first child at 36 and turned 37 two weeks later.  I had my second at 40 (two weeks after my birthday).  Not that I subscribe to astrology - but it's kind of funny that we are each 2 weeks apart and we are 3 different signs. :) 

My real point.  I am over 50.  Okay, okay, okay, I'M 54!  I said it.  (Maybe now you'll understand a recent reference to being an exhausted parent. :)

I never hid my age. I still don't.

I read women find a sense of empowerment late 40's and 50's.  So I waited and waited and thought at 42, 48, 51, "What the heck?  What a bunch of hooey.  I'm no more empowered with a sense of self than I was at 15." 

Great, so at 54 I have reached that stage.  I AM self-empowered.  TREMENDOUS!  I play like a teen in spirit.  I am happy.  I joke, I laugh, and I accept that I am who I am.

Too bad I can't remember anything now to enjoy it!!  :)

That's the scary part.  And it is scary - for a sense of loss of control.  I pick up the phone and I don't EVEN finish dialing and I have already forgotten why I called.  So someone picks up the phone and I have to say, I'll call you back.  I'm in meetings we rehash decisions made just a week ago, a week ago.  And I raise the same challenge to the plan as I did 7 days before, only to hear others say, "Don't you remember, we already discussed that and this was our decision."  It is mortifying and scary.  I post responses to people here and sometimes think or talk to people and wonder, "Oh boy, I've said this before.  Am I repeating the same story for this poor person to endure?"

Is it age?  Just 10 years ago, when I was 40's, I had a steel trap of a memory.  I forgot NOTHING.  And people turned to me  for a summary of how certain initiatives came to be, or I'd remind my husband about things, and on and on.  A steel trap.

Now I can't finish dialing a phone number.

Is it the hormonal shift that occurs for women that can affect the brain?  (For example, when I was nursing my baby, I remember not being able to finish sentences because the right vocabulary word just wouldn't come to mind.  It was really shocking.  Once finished, my word memory returned.)

Of course, my husband says, "No, are you kidding, I forget all the time."  Uh, no.  He may forget some, or he's got a great bravado and can bluff  "No, I said this...and you said this" when we disagree.  Maybe he makes it up?  I KNOW in my heart it is just not as bad as mine.

Women going through shifts in hormones at this age, have shared similar stories.  But so far, I don't see any as forgetful as I.

Is it the monumental amount of content, commitments, crises I have to hold in my head?
That's what some women who have high level positions and tons of outside obligations as I do tell me in my company.  But the embarrassment to forget decisions or plans (even if I take notes - I don't carry them everywhere), to have the bright young 30-somethings with the same steel trap mind I had in my 40's, correct me is awful.  It's not ego.  It's not because I'm in a competitive corporate world.  I'm not.  Where I work is all about teamwork, support up and down the company.  So I don't share about the 30-somethings for fear of being pushed out like I've seen in other arenas.

If I go it will be because I just can't do it.   Because I haven't got a creative thought in my head and worse, when I do, I'll forget it after it comes to me :))

There are fruits/vegetables and exercise studies that show humans can actually extend memory.  Doing crossword puzzles, which I HATE, is supposed to keep the mind exercised.  Soduku?  I couldn't be bothered.  I hate it.  So maybe I just binge on blueberries (brain food).

No matter what, it is scary.  It is a loss of control that all started with age. 

And then the physical erosion.  I'm starting to feel "crumbly."  I know people have much worse to complain about, and I am not whining, I am observing.  In 3 weeks, I've been biopsied, checked to see if it's time to laser drill holes in my eyes so I don't go blind because of a common condition for people my age, and MRI'd for torn rotar cuff another common ailment of those my age.  My point - it's AGE.  Period.  I'm not complaining.  We just laughed as the other woman shared her list of her feet issues and her this and that.  Crumbly.  Crumbly. 
  
Maybe like Morrie in the book  Tuesdays With Morrie, I simply embrace it, as he had to at the most extreme moment of loss of control - someone having to wipe him.  And I just smile and say, "Umm, what did I say?" :)

You know studies show, that people who remain healthy (KEY), reach their highest level of happiness at 60-70.  So, I may not remember much, but at least I'll be smiling :)))

*NOTE: For those who know people with Alzheimer's or other forms of senility, a) this is not what I am discussing and b) I would NEVER joke about those devastating diseases.